The Locator

"You can't find peace until you find all the pieces." ~Troy Dunn

One of my good friends told me about a TV show called The Locator in which Troy Dunn, the star of the show, works with his team to locate lost family members and friends. There have been several shows like this one in the past few years, but I don't usually take the time to watch them. With heavy, emotional storylines, these shows are sure to move scores of people to tears. Touching stories, they leave most with a warm, peaceful feeling inside. I, however, get something entirely different from these shows. I tend to feel anxious and sometimes even become morose as I watch these strangers reunite with their family's, but more recently, I have been taking mental notes on what seems to make these reunions more comfortable for both parties. Shows like The Locator, bring up emotions that don't come out normally- they're overwhelming to watch sometimes. I know exactly how these people feel...and, truthfully, I can't imagine how it must be to have a camera in my face during such an intense reunion. While my adoption is a little different than these reunions (language barrier, international adoption), it's nice to be able to imagine what it could be like if I do get to meet my biological mom.

I have decided to write and send a letter before I go to Cali. In The Locator, Troy Dunn always serves as the intermediary who lets the missing family member know that someone is looking for them. This gives the searched party a chance to think about what they will say when they come face-to-face with the person who has been searching for them. I want to tell Teodora that I've been looking for her and that I'm coming to meet her. She deserves to know that I'm coming. I don't want to shock or hurt her. Plus, I don't know who may or may not know in the family and I don't want to cause any drama or pain. As a few Colombians have told me, adoption in Colombia is not taken lightly. They place high importance on family and Catholicism, so I want to make sure I don't cause a bad situation. I just want to see her.

In one of the episodes on The Locator, an adoptee brings childhood photos of herself to show her birth mom. I think that photos would be great to have on hand when I go to Cali so Teodora can see what I looked like growing up.

While most of what will be said or asked in Cali will be unplanned, it's nice to see what has and hasn't worked for others. Over the holidays, I've had a chance to talk to my close friends and family about what I'm expecting, but it's hard to really explain the growing anxiety and fear within because they've never been through it. I don't want something to be misconstrued and accidentally hurt someone else's feelings. Here, the thin line between empathy and sympathy does stand out, so this tv show really is helping me search within to understand my feelings and thoughts about needing to find that missing piece and it's also helping me feel more prepared in case I do get the opportunity to meet my birth mom.

**Kudos to the producers of The Locator- I bet they didn't realize they'd be giving me much more than just another sentimental reality tv show to watch.**

La Fuerza De Una Mujer (The Strength of a Woman)

I consider myself a tough woman able to withstand physical pain. I'm not the type of female to cry if I get into an accident, unless it's a really serious one. Playing sports for the majority of my life and having strong role-models (like my mom) made me into the powerful woman I am today. My friends in the States are the same way, most likely for the same reasons.
I recently fell into a hole within the spiral staircase in our hotel. As strong as I may be, I am quite clumsy (as many of you know), but I don't let small things like falling down the stairs slow me down! I was running down the stairs, trying to help a guest out, when I slipped on some water and fell into the hole. I started laughing, but my co-workers were shocked and terrified. Within 5 seconds, the male security guard on duty had raced to my side to help me out of the hole. I told him I could do it myself and used the stairs to leverage my body out. As soon as I took my first step out of the hole, I rushed to our safe box to get the keys I had originally been after. My female colleagues were begging me to stop in my tracks and lay down, but I finished my job before even looking at the damage done.
One shallow cut on my left leg accompanied by a huge bruise, which didn't show for a few hours, a small cut on my right knee, and two scrapped up elbows with small bruises that formed later. It really wasn't that bad, and I probably only fell a little over a foot. I had been successful in stopping my fall by using the walls (hence the scrapped up elbows). Staring at me as if I had just fallen off the roof, one of my co-workers said, as if surprised, "you're not crying (translated)?" I figured she was joking, but she never cracked a smile and just stood there waiting for me to reply.
I know women my age in Colombia are strong. Many persevered through tougher times than most, experiencing everything from poverty to drug and civil violence. Yet, hardly any women here portray the same strength as that of an American woman. American women are tough. Most of my American friends are athletes and continue to exercise, play sports, and keep fit. The majority of women in Colombia do nothing of the sort. When I asked my friends if they played any sports growing up, they all laughed and said that sports are for boys. No joke. They don't like to be considered "tough"= that's an adjective reserved for a man's character. Yup, back to machismo.
I guess Colombian women's strength could be described more effectively as endurance. They are clearly capable of being as tough as other women around the world, but they don't seem to want that label. I know a few of my colleagues look up to me, and I don't plan on changing my ways while I live here. I hope to show those who care just how strong a woman can be...on all fronts.

"Reasons...The Reasons That We Hear, The Reasons That We Fear..."

I am extremely grateful for all the responses I received regarding my last post. After much thought and discussion, I have decided to wait until January to go look for my biological mom. I wanted to go as soon as possible, but there are several relatively important reasons to wait- the most important being that I need more information.
I need to know that my birth mom is still living in the same house in Cali. I have contacted the few people I know in Cali and am waiting to hear what they can find out. One contact I had (who shall remain nameless) offered to connect me to a man she knows who would search for $200.... The listed reasons for the amount of money owed were "Transportation, etc." While I realize all of these people don't know me well, I thought this a bit ridiculous since this neighborhood is in Cali and can't be that far out of the city. With $200, I could buy a plane ticket from Cartagena to look myself next month!

I've been lucky, though, to meet so many people in Colombia in such a short time. Here, I've learned time and time again that sharing why I'm in Cartagena can be of great help. I used to hate using 'connections.' Acquaintances would always tell me to use my dad's connections in the non-profit world to get a good job in DC. Instead of taking their advice, I rebelled and moved to California to do it myself...to start from scratch. Living in Colombia, however, I have come to learn the true beauty of connections. My new tour business depends on it and if I hadn't met the right people, it'd be sinking right now. Some of the most important connections I've made I met in the most random of places. Who would've known that this guy I met at a couch-surfer fiesta may just be the crucial link to another person in Cali who can find the one woman I've been wondering about all of my life? Waiting on this lead, I continue to pursue other possible connections who may be able to give me more answers before I leave.
If I only had to buy one ticket, I could go now. I think I would feel stronger, emotionally, if I had a friend to listen to me and support me...and force me to knock on Teodora's door. For this reason, I've decided to bring Monica to Cali with me. She's a good friend, an awesome supporter, and she has the ability to make me smile no matter what's going on in my life. She's never been on a plane before and has never ventured far from Cartagena; I know she'll have a fantastic time- she always does. Ontop of the trip for two, Colombia is just starting to implement their high season prices (Dec. 15th until Jan. 15), so plane tickets and hotel rates have sky-rocketed. I'd rather not spend a fortune on a whim.
Last, but certainly not least, I am scared out of my mind. I've tried to "prepare" for what I could say to her when she answers the door, but everything I think of looks ridiculous on paper. People keep saying it'll just come to me, but I'm worried it won't. Of course it's frustrating not being fluent yet, but I'm just hoping I can remember enough vocabulary to be able to express myself the way I would like.
I need to be prepared. I'm battling a lot of fear and doubts, and I'm planning for the worst. I heard this neighborhood is very dangerous, so I'm scared of the pain I might feel when I see how she's living. There is a lot of poverty out here and if she's living in a dangerous neighborhood in Cali, chances are she's still suffering from a bad financial position.
Needless to say, it feels like there's a storm brewing inside me and I have no doubt that being home, near those I love and who love me, will help calm my fears, anxiety, pain, and stress. Christmas and New Year's are a great time to refresh and reflect...and prepare for the future. While these reasons could have been tossed to the side and I could've taken the plunge to find my biological mom, I think that waiting until January may be best for me (as much as I denied it at first). 2010 is right around the corner, and I'm right down the street from my past...and my future. 

'Tis the Season...

Three days ago, I finally (after a month and a half) had a confirmed appointment with my lawyer to meet a woman who, I was told, could look up my birth mother's address. Although my lawyer called that morning to say she'd be earlier than she had originally proposed (2:30pm), we didn't end up leaving until 3:30pm. We met this woman at Instituto Colombiano de Bienestar Familiar (ICBF aka Colombian Institute of Family Welfare). ICBF organizes most adoptions out of Colombia, but not mine. My parents got me directly from Chiquitines, my orphanage. My lawyer never told me that Bienestar couldn't look for adopted children who didn't go through them directly. So after explaining my situation to this woman at Bienestar who didn't seem to know we had an appointment that day, we realized they weren't going to help us and left empty-handed. 

Back in her office, my lawyer said she knows someone who knows someone who can search for people for a fee. I have been warned not to search that way because often these people will hook you up with a random family who lies about being your birth family in order to receive monetary help. My lawyer also said she would contact my orphanage to request information on my mom. I told her (again) that I had already gone to the orphanage and had gotten everything they had on my birth mom- they didn't have up-to-date info on her. My lawyer insisted on it though, so I finally gave in. Sigh...another block in the road. 
I went home with a tummy ache from the stress. My co-worker Yuberleidys gave me some Panela tea to settle my stomach. Strange, but a block of Panela melted down in a pan with water tastes like a brown sugar molasses tea and has actually made me feel better several times while sick with a cold. Different people have told me a range of its many benefits- it helps cure stomach ulcers,  prevent tooth decay & amenia, and cures colds. I'm sure it does more. They sell Panela in blocks at the grocery store...unwrapped. 
This feeling of hopelessness began to take over. I realized, though, that there are people who have searched their entire lives for their families. I really shouldn't get discouraged so easily, but it's hard not to. I thought once you had someone's ID number and name, it wouldn't be too difficult. 
Yesterday, I was walking out our front door about to go to the market when my co-worker Lizety stepped out of the passenger side of a parked car. Not many families have cars, but as I said before, her brother is a pretty high ranking police officer. My heart jumped, i hadn't seen him for a month and I realized he may be here to give me good or bad news. I backed up a few steps, searching for some sort of answer in Lizety's eyes. Then her brother got out, looking serious as ever. I kept looking into Lizety's eyes for her to give me an answer, but all she did was half-smile and tell me to follow her. A sudden wave of fear came over me- she's going to give me bad news. She's dead, I can't believe I missed her. I came all the way to Colombia to find out that the only link I have to my family has passed away. Lizety reached into her purse and pulled out a small piece of paper. She handed it to me and smiled.... 


They had found my birth mother. She's still in Cali. I smiled, laughed, and said thank you about 5 times before I walked to a corner away from her and her brother. I couldn't hold it in anymore- I cried. My breathing slowed down, and I felt a small, yet noticeable release of stress and worry. Lizety came to check on me and gave me a big hug, which didn't help me to stop crying. Her brother walked by, saw tears rolling down my face, and I knew he knew how much it meant to me. He smiled, but walked to the bathroom out of sight. All of my co-workers at Casa Sweety...i mean friends...no, i mean family...know what this meant to me. I walked up to my friend Monica and placed the paper with my birth mother's address in front of her while she was typing. She stared at it then suddenly jerked her head up to look at me...she saw me crying and tears formed in her eyes. Monica has tried everything in her power to help me look online. We just kept hitting dead-ends and webpages that weren't working anymore. She instantly said she wanted to come to Cali with me to find her. Right..., the next step....I hadn't thought of that yet.


All the girls got together and brainstormed. First thought- call 411. Nope, she doesn't have a landline. Next, look online again for any leads. Turns out she is in need of a new cedula card. We then discovered she had renewed it. We even found out when and where she needs to pick it up! The internet is amazing.  More evidence that she is still alive. 
I'm thinking about bringing a friend from Cartagena to Cali. I feel like I need someone there with me to keep me sane. I have NO idea what to expect. Right now, I'm looking at my options. My mom brought up the idea to call the taxi driver who took us around the city 9 months ago. He was super friendly and knew my story. He may even be able to check out the neighborhood and see if she's still living in the house I have an address for. I only have 3 connections in Cali right now, so I'm contacting all of them (orphanage, taxi driver, & Medellin woman whose husband's family lives there) to get a feel of this neighborhood and maybe see if she's still around. Lizety's brother even said he may know a cop or two in Cali who can ask around. 
The last piece I'm considering right now is WHEN I will go to Cali. Part of me wanted to go as soon as I had her address in my hand. My heart says to go now so I don't miss my chance. My head says to wait until I return to Colombia after Christmas (it's cheaper & I may have more information if i wait). One thing I know for sure is that I couldn't have made it this far without using my heart. I've always wanted to come to Colombia. I didn't really start pressuring my parents to visit with me until the holiday season last year. My mom and I finally decided to make the trip in March. My mom always uses Trip Advisor and found a beautiful, friendly B&B called Casa Sweety. I loved it and ended up keeping in contact with the manager and owner. 7 months later, I decided to offer my services to Casa Sweety and got a job. Casa Sweety introduced me to Lizety, Lizety introduced me to her brother, and her brother found my birth mom. 
I have to make this decision as soon as possible. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Through the help of so many people, I've come this far. I can finally picture myself in front of my birth mother's house- and as scared as I am, it doesn't seem so unlikely anymore. :)