Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Only Just Begun

I decided to stop my blog when I returned to the States. I'm now regretting that decision. My journey is not over. Yes, I found my birth mother and most of my family. And yes, I was extremely happy with everything I gained from working in Colombia and finding my birth mother. But, I am not done searching. I thought for awhile that I was. Silly Alicia, you've only just begun....

I have no doubt in my mind that I became a stronger woman while living in Colombia. However, I am still dealing with feelings of insecurity due to an overwhelming fear of abandonment and rejection left over from my adoption 31 years ago. It wasn't until I returned to the States that I realized just how much my adoption played a part in my everyday feelings and subsequent actions. Sadly, the worst of it comes out in my relationships with those whom I love.

My path now includes therapeutic interventions that will jump-start the healing process of treating my deep and long-neglected wounds. I have never really had the opportunity to speak with other adoptees about their feelings surrounding their adoption. There are so many worries, doubts, obsessions, fears, questions, and frustrations that pop up in any adoptees head throughout their lifetime as they experience ...well, life. When you don't have anyone to talk to about those feelings, they get buried deep down inside of you and gnaw at your soul. They lie dormant until something/someone awakens them setting off an explosive, emotional volcano. Yes, I can talk, and have talked, to my friends or family members, but they can't really understand what I'm going through. And for a long time I thought talking to someone to get out my feelings was good enough for me. But, have you ever talked to someone who was going through something you totally related to? Have you ever cried just listening to them spill their emotions and thoughts because you felt like somebody finally could understand what you were going through when no one else did? That happened to me last Friday. Finally.

Last Friday, I attended my first adult adoptee group. I was so nervous about participating in group therapy that I got sick to my stomach and had a mini panic attack in the parking lot outside the building. For 30 years, I've held all of these feelings and thoughts related to my adoption bottled up inside of me. I tried individual therapy, but it paled in comparison to my group experience of actually speaking with other adoptees and hearing their stories. I finally felt like I wasn't alone. I am so excited to have a safe outlet where I can release on all of these troubling feelings. Not only do we talk about the search and reunion with our birth families, we also discuss issues that come up in our daily lives, specifically relationships with family members and partners.

It's amazing how many adoptees feel like they are worthy only of rejection. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy where many adoptees (me included) will set the stage for rejection in order to make it happen before others have the opportunity to hurt them. I read about an adult adoptee who tested women to see if they really liked him. These women always failed his tests, which was his proof that he couldn't be loved. He built up resentments about the failures of the women around him and made them feel guilty for their lack of love for him. Unfortunately, this only resulted in him pushing people away and them gladly leaving. I, myself, am guilty of doing this over and over to people I love. When I recently met someone who I really care about and I noticed my cycle of sabotage toward our relationship, I knew it was time to get control over my self-deprecating behaviors. I've grown tired of hurting myself and hurting others in the process. I look forward to patching up my wounds and moving forward as a healthier, happier, and stronger Alicia (aka Alina Marin ).

So, here I am. Ready to tackle my past and delve into my buried feelings and emotions surrounding my adoption, my youth, my intimate relationships, my search and reunion, and the aftermath of having found a huge part of my birth family. And to all my supportive, loving blog readers, I'm baaackk. :)


  1. Wow! this is wonderful. What a great self reflexion and beautiful way to express your self.
    Thank you for sharing and I'm convinced that putting your story out there can help million people out there who may identify with your feelings.
    Love it!

  2. Hey Alicia, Mom told me you'd started back up the blog and I just recently had some time to sit down and check it out. I'm really, really proud of you for tackling these issues head on, and extremely impressed with your insights and clarity of expression in this writing. I'm looking forward to reading more.

    Love always,