Lost and Found in Thought

Time has passed quickly since I've been back in Cartagena. We had a busy, full house for several days and I've been unable to pass thoughts onto paper. As the weeks roll by, so do my emotions. I'm only now slowly becoming able to wrap my head around what exactly is about to take place.

I'm going to Cali January 22nd for three and a half days with my good friend, Monica, from Casa Sweety. We're both excited to have a mini-vacation in a big city. We've got our hotel booked (Jardín Azul Casa) and we've looked up lots of things to do in the area such as hand gliding, museum-wandering, restaurant-hopping, and salsa dancing at the hottest clubs (it is the Salsa capital of the world). I'm filling up the days and nights surrounding the visit with my birth mom because if things go badly (she's not there, she doesn't want to see me, etc), I'll have other things to occupy my mind and body with.

The logistics are set-up: got the plane ticket, the hotel reservation, a friend for support, a taxi driver who I can trust to take me to Teodora's house, and a few pictures of me growing up to bring along. I also sent a letter to let her know I was coming (although I didn't mention when out of fear she might leave) and it should have arrived last week. Never knew that I could feel jealousy toward a letter! My letter, while full of emotion and feeling, experienced no fear nor doubt and has probably made it into the hands of my birth mom before me. :/ Now that the logistics are set, all I need to focus on is me. If I could just prepare my soul, I'd be all set.... But how do you prepare for something like this?

The past few weeks, people have asked me how I'm feeling about finally going to Cali, but I've had a hard time replying. I say that I'm a little of everything- a little nervous, a little excited, a little scared, a little apprehensive, a little emotional, a little stressed, a little skeptical, a little optimistic, and a little unsure. I tell them that I have no idea how it'll go, so I don't want to expect too much, nor too little.

Interestingly enough, the young, friendly, easy-going woman who has been staying at Casa Sweety the past few days, and will continue to for the next 3 weeks, is a psychologist. Things have had a weird way of just falling into place for me the last few months. Anyway, this woman has been helpful in provoking me to delve into my thoughts more deeply. This past month, I've only allowed myself to explore my shallow feelings and emotions because if I stay afloat, barely skimming the surface, then I don't feel too scared, too excited, too emotional, too stressed, etc.... This, however, has prevented me from getting to my heart and soul...and is probably why I've been unable to explain just how I'm feeling at the moment.

Now that I've found my problem, I can begin to work toward solving it. I hope to be as prepared as possible for all outcomes, positive, neutral, and negative by listening to what the whispers lost deep inside my core have to say.